Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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