that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
there is puke in my bra ... again
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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