nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
