Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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