i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
