I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
