I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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