I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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