you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
last night I used snow as a chaser
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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