I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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