I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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