My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
