a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
