winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
