just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
