I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How does one acquire holy water?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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