I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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