WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
