First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You are the jesus of drinking
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize