dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
