it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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