Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize