He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
