He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this will be a night to untag.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You're like the curious george of whores
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
