I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
