That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
