She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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