Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
