Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
