The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
