Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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