my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
