dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
