fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Randomize
