My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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