Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My liver just broke up with me...
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
