My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
