My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
