Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Are we still banned from the library?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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