Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
