you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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