if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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