When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize