Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
