There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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