hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
