so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize