im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize