Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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