Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize