I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
