I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize