On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Randomize
