Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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