We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
