i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
